Diary of a Madwoman

02:03 pm - Personality test score

Your result for The strangely accurate personality Test ...

INFP

You scored 56Introversion, 74 iNtuitiveness, 79 Feelingness and 25 Judgingness!

08:01 pm

06:05 pm - Love Without Limits

Poly people say it all the time----LOVE WITHOUT LIMITS. It's a lovely sentiment, and I even believe it's possible a second at  time here and there in some alternative Zen universe. But is it really possible when relationships have boundaries that can't be crossed without dire consequences?

"I don't want to interfere in your troubled marriage."
"My other partner is imposing limits on our behavior."
"I can't give you the time you want and be fair to my family/other relationships/kids/etc."
"I now love________more than I love you."

The above are all things I have heard or even said in poly relationships that could create potential limits without clear communication and resolution.

Jealousy, divorce, pregnancy, marriage, grief, hurt feelings, dishonesty, illness, partner vetoes, relocation, accidents and more influence our relationships and can create limits on our feelings and our behavior. So is loving without limits just an unattainable idealistic fantasy for most poly people? Or is it a realistic goal for a very special, enlightened few?

Current Mood: cynical

03:48 pm - Basics of Beyond Consequences Training

Last weekend I went to a training to become an instructor for this parenting method. It runs counter to many other approaches out there for parenting in general, but especially parenting of traumatized children.

1. All negative behavior arises from an unconscious fear-based state of stress.
2. There are only two primary emotions: Love and Fear.
3. There is both negative and positive repetitious conditioning. We are all conditioned to behave in various ways both good and bad.
4. Negative and positive neurophysiologic feedback loops exist beyond our conscious awareness. They occur at an unconscious physiologic level and we have the ability to change or add to these feedback loops.

• We first respond from the unconscious at the body level, before it is processed in our mind.
• This fear reaction then influences our ability to be responsive...Fear sees problems and love sees solutions.
• The emotion of fear is the root of your child's anger...work to see a scared child instead of an angry one.
• Children who are misbehaving are seeking external regulation.
• Behavior modification does not address a child's underlying stress.
• Traditional parenting techniques do not help a child learn to regulate through the parent-child relationship.
• Stress causes confused and distorted thinking.
• When parents are stressed, they are constricted and unable to open up to their child's emotional state.
• Positive repetitious experiences will eventually overcome negative conditioning.
• In the very moment when your child is misbehaving, he is doing the best he feels he can to survive.
• Stress has an immediate impact on our unconscious mind triggering the following to occur:

                               Living out of the past

                  Avoiding the present

    Obsessing about the future

 

01:29 pm - Wounded healer

I have a love/hate relationship with traditional medicine. It has saved my life more than once. It has allowed me to have children after six miscarriages. It has saved the lives of many people I love. In some ways it has improved the quality of my life. It is also a source of much frustration and crazymaking thoughts and feelings for me. I have also had my health damaged by traditional medicine as well, which can be fear-inducing.

I believe I have compartmentalized my feelings about health. I have a spiritual view, a scientific view, and an emotional view when it comes to health care and medicine. I have had more health issues in my life than most friends my age. I have been given several diagnoses in my life, some accurate, some not. I have been called a medical miracle more than once, having survived some of the things I have.

I carry shame when I am ill. I want perfect health. I feel I deserve to be completely well. I try in vain to accept whatever is-concerning my health. It's a very emotionally loaded issue for me. Part of the reason for this, is because I am a healer. It is so frustrating to not be able to consistently heal oneself. I believe we create our reality. We can manifest whatever we desire and focus on. Is this my internal conflict? What I wish for myself isn't what is happening. Do I not have enough faith? Am I getting something out of being ill that benefits me in some way? Would it be even worse if I was not also incorporating alternative healing methods into my life? Did I make some kind of contract between lives that I am unaware of? Perhaps it is my destiny/part of my life lesson to experience various kinds of illness in this life? Karma?

Perhaps it is a conflict that I strive to live in the present moment, but I resist the out of control feelings I get from being ill or out of balance that can make presence more difficult. I am sometimes thrown into the past when I was a child and immature and afraid about death, dying, illness, pain, trauma. I have even carried it to the extreme of experiencing the pain of past lives when I really get far from the present moment. These little journeys can be valuable experiences if I allow healing to enter them and move on rather than becoming stuck in them. But we don't always think clearly when experiencing pain, do we?

Hopefully my current imbalance will pass, and I will continue on my journey as close to whole and present as I can possibly be.

Current Mood: contemplative

10:36 am - Procrastination

I am thoroughly ashamed of myself for being a procrastinator. I can no longer say that I sometimes procrastinate or that I have a tendency to procrastinate. I am standing in my truth of being a big, fat, procrastinator. It's a humbling moment. I consider it a character flaw. One I've been wrestling with all my life.

I never procrastinate when it comes to having fun. I procrastinate duties. I do this even  when it reflects really poorly on me. I have been procrastinating making any family dental appointments for 2-3 years. Every other month a family member reminds me, and I say I'll get on that. Three years ago, we decided we could no longer see our family dentist. He was starting to show hype for cosmetic dentistry instead of giving his patients a choice of what to watch on the screen while in the dental chair. I have found the task of finding a new dentist so daunting, I keep putting it off. Last time I did that it led to some really expensive dental work, because we didn't have the proper preventative care. I think I may have found a dentist, but need to look him up and find out some things about his practice before I start making appointments. Another way to put it off I guess.

I procrastinate housework, hoping someone else will get fed up before I do with the mess. Then I complain they didn't do as good of a job as I would of done. It's shameful. I can't even believe I'm admitting it! My solution used to be to never have guests unless my house was clean. I like to have guests, so I would clean. Well, somewhere in the last few years, that fell by the wayside. I now have guests even when I am embarrassed by my messy house, and pretend I'm not. Inside, I'm uncomfortable, and sometimes mortified. But apparently that's easier for me than just getting over procrastinating cleaning my house. Sometimes it's not about waiting for someone else to do it. It's waiting for enough time to do the job right, because you see I'm also a perfectionist. It's a deadly combination in the wrong hands.

Well, today we're having people over, so I have to get to some housework. I've procrastinated long enough by writing about it.

Current Mood: embarrassed

01:58 pm - Appropriate Level of Empathy

I like to think I am a very loyal, passionate, loving, empathic person. My relationships are generally fairly deep and intense. When my friends are suffering, I feel it. So many of my friends seem to be hurting and fearful these days. I want to be there for them. I want to hold them and sit through the pain with them until it subsides. For some, I even want to remove the suffering, which would possibly deny them necessary life lessons,  and try to replace it with love and hope. Of course I know I can't do their emotional work for them. Everyone needs some suffering in their life to truly enjoy the good times. But for some the suffering seems so deep-seated and too much for anyone to endure and work their way out of. I offer healing energy, my time, my shoulder to cry on. I can't fix it FOR them, as much as I wish I could. What is an appropriate level of empathy and compassion for those we love? Are there limits?

Is it selfish of me to want my friends and family to be as deliriously happy as I am much of the time? I know I had to work hard to find the joy I have in my life now. It wasn't easy. But here I am. I'm a little lonely. I want some company in my joy.

04:26 am - Surrender

"The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender." Emil Ludwig

10:41 am

A new day has dawned! I swore I would never join LJ for many reasons, but here I am. I guess I was weary of being stubborn, holding onto outdated biases, and being the last to know all the news.

Current Mood: cheerful